


Worst Case Scenario

by moustacheMythology



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Aged-Up Dipper, Character Death: Dipper's dating life, Dipper tries to be a normal person and it just really is not working out for him, Gen, Humor, This was supposed to be a drabble but it got away from me, attempted human sacrifice, there's probably worse ways to break up with someone but probably not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-07 10:43:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16852546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moustacheMythology/pseuds/moustacheMythology
Summary: It probably wasn’t the worst end to a date, but it was definitely in Dipper’s top 5. OR In which Dipper loses faith in the chances of ever living a normal life and Bill can’t help but laugh.





	Worst Case Scenario

**Author's Note:**

> I probably have like 6 other WIPs I should be working on but I couldn’t get this idea out of my head. Hope you guys find it as amusing as I do. 
> 
> Also sidenote: Lauren is not based on anyone in the show, she’d just some random woman that Dipper met and was like yup, she’s gotta be the most normal person ever, time to date her, what could possibly go wrong?

Dipper had been dating Lauren for about three months now, probably his longest relationship ever, which probably was a little pathetic for a guy going on 25 but it’s fine. He was a little too wrapped up in his studies during his undergrad and grad school to really put him self out there and explore this whole dating thing – he’d had a couple short flings with a few guys and girls from his department but nothing serious. So, for the most part he thought it was going great.

He really liked her, she seemed to really like him, he bought her dinner and brought her out on dates every weekend, asked her about her interests, and tried to dial down talk about the supernatural as much as he was physically able – so pretty much doing the complete opposite of everything Grunkle Stan told him to do.

Yeah.

But _then_ he got one hell of a surprise after one night.

They had just come back to her apartment after one of their dates – ice skating – it was _fun_ , the kind of painfully normal human activity that involved no weirdness whatsoever to scare her off.

After they entered the place, she told him to just wait on the couch for a sec, she just had to do something real quick in her bedroom. Which – uh – _okay_ , it’s not like they hadn’t done _anything_ of that sort yet but Lauren was pretty insistent on taking it _reeeaaallly_ slow.

Dipper sat there wringing his hands a little bit and took off his jacket, trying to get comfortable.

_Should he pretend to text someone or mindless scroll through his phone, y’know be aloof or whatever… nah, that’s stupid…_

Before he came to a decision though, he heard Lauren step out of her bedroom. Dipper stood and turned around to see her and noticed she had changed clothes. Gone was her heavy sweater and jeans, and instead she was wearing a short black satin chemise with a deep V. Dipper’s face immediately went scarlet.

“Hey,” Lauren said softly, smiling at him.

Dipper stuttered out a reply, weakly waving at her. Like a fucking dork.

Lauren just giggled softly and motioned him to follow her into the room. Dipper took a deep breath and followed her in, stumbling over his feet only a little bit in his haste.

When he entered the room, he found that it was softly lit with dozens of candles. It was a lot – but y’know really nice. She’d mentioned before that she’d never been with anyone before so maybe she just wanted it to be really special.

“Wow, Lauren, this is really romantic. I –“ before Dipper could finish his sentence though he felt a hard blow to the back of his head and it knocked him out almost instantly.

************

When Dipper eventually came to, the first thing he noticed was that he was on his back staring up at a ceiling he only vaguely recognized as Lauren’s bedroom’s. Second, he noticed that his hands were painfully bound behind his back and a gag was tied over his mouth. And the third and by far the weirdest thing he noticed was that he was shirtless.

Dipper tried to look down at his chest and noticed intricate symbols painted onto his chest in a red liquid. He couldn’t make out what they were from this angle but could discern that they formed some sort of triangular shape.

_Oh man, I hope that’s animal blood._

Dipper felt panic creep in and tried to take calming breaths. He had a wicked headache and his wrists ached but at least he felt no other pain.

_Focus Dipper, focus. You’ve been in far weirder and more dangerous situations than whatever this is._

Dipper finally looked around, the room was still covered in candles and he couldn’t see Lauren anywhere. He tugged on the ropes tying his hands, trying to see how much give they had and determine what kind of knot she used. He looked in his immediate vicinity and found that Lauren had moved the area rug that usually covered the majority of her bedroom floor and drew a complex circle with symbols he vaguely recognized. It took up most of the floor of her relatively large bedroom. Probably wasn’t the worst summoning circle he’d ever seen but then again this really wasn’t the time to be critiquing someone’s spell work.

Lauren reentered the room at that moment carrying a black tome in one hand and a bowl of water in the other. She placed the bowl down in one end of the circle then walked around and adjusted the other items she had placed around. The bowl was closest to his head, a large rock to his left, a black candle near his feet, and a bell to his right. And in the center of the circle? Him. The sacrifice.

_Fuck._ Yeah this wasn’t good.

Dipper tried to plead with her to let him go through the gag, but she just ignored him. His heart raced as he watched her open her book to a marked page. Latin words washed over him and he translated what she was saying the best he could, trying to figure out what sort of monster or demon she was summoning. For a human sacrifice it had to be powerful.

This was really not what he needed right now. Serves him right for trying to be happy and normal.

As she continued on, one particular phrase she uttered though had his mind grind to a halt.

_Triangulum, entangulum._

Fuck.

_Meteforis dominus ventium._

C’mon, really?

_Meteforis venetisarium!_

Goddamnit, Dipper really had terrible luck with dating.

Dipper closed his eyes tight, not wanting to see the grayscale of the room around him.

“Hail Master Cipher, I have brought you a sacrifice in hopes you will grant me a wish,” Dipper heard Lauren say. Any hopes of denying his current situation Dipper had at that moment were completely vanished.

“Listen, I usually don’t require a sacrifice. But hey, FUN! You fleshy meat sacks always know how to shake things up,” Bill’s grating voice echoed throughout the room. Dipper just clenched his eyes shut harder, hoping he could just melt into the floorboards unseen.

Listen, this wasn’t the first time since Weirdmageddon he’d seen Bill. The demon had uncanny knack for not staying dead and popped up every couple of summers or so. Dipper and Mabel kept having to come up with new ways to get rid of the guy, it was kind of annoying. Eventually, by the summer before Dipper started his Masters degree, Bill seemed to get tired of causing the end of the world and settled with just annoying the Pines Twins. They came to an agreement: Bill got to poke around Gravity Falls and cause a little weirdness every once in a while, (yknow, to keep things interesting) and in return he had to keep the maiming to a minimum and offer some advice on any particularly tricky mysteries. It was a decent deal all things considered but it didn’t make seeing the demon any less annoying.

Lauren was about to say something else when Bill seemed to notice Dipper lying on the floor as he said almost gleefully:

“Well _hello_ there, Pine Tree!”   

Dipper let out a defeated sigh and reluctantly opened his eyes. Bill’s glowing triangular form greeted him and he let out an unhappy grunt.

“Lord Cipher do you –“ Bill cut her off, rudely waving her away. He snapped his fingers and the gag and rope binding Dipper’s hands disappeared. Lauren looked wildly from Dipper to Bill.

“Dipper how –“ Lauren tried again but Bill snapped his fingers again and Lauren’s mouth zipped itself up. Dipper tried not to feel bad about her predicament because she _did_ just try to sacrifice him to a Chaos Demon, but he leveled Bill a stern look anyway.

Bill rolled his eye and huffed.

“Pine Tree, what do you always have to be such a buzzkill?” Bill snapped his fingers again and suddenly they were back in Dipper’s attic room at the shack, the grayscale was gone so Bill must have transported his body in the real world.

Dipper let out a relieved breath until he noticed Bill inspecting his bare chest. Suddenly he got self-conscious and looked around for a spare shirt and something to wipe off the blood on his chest.

“It’s pretty messy, you could’ve have done much better,” Bill remarked. Dipper relaxed a little bit and laughed weakly.

“Yeah, I know, if someone’s going to use me as a human sacrifice I’d prefer if they actually put some effort into it. This is a little insulting,” Dipper said as he wiped himself off with the towel hanging on his desk chair nearby.

“So the date went that bad huh?” Bill said.

Dipper just groaned as Bill burst out into his annoying high-pitched laughter.

_Screw dating. Dipper was just going to die alone._

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by a post of Tumblr that essentially was like “Him: Wow look at you trying to be romantic with all these candles. Me: First of all I’m about to sacrifice you.”
> 
> And so I immediately thought of poor Dipper, plus the idea of someone trying to sacrifice Dipper to Bill by accident just sounded like a really funny scenario to include. 
> 
> This is the first time I’ve ever written for Gravity Falls so let me know what you thought in the comments and if you liked it please leave kudos!


End file.
